A day can seem so long some times. It never ceases to astonish me how 24, when looked back on, seem to never be enough time. I have found myself in the place where it is never enough time. I find myself, mostly emotionally, looking at time and begging it to stop. Not out of fear for the future of my life, but out of the fear of loosing the moment.

I want to cling to those close to me as to not loose them. I beg them to stay in the moment with me and embrace the time we have. I look to the future and see nothing but uncertainty, with is a natural fact of life. Things change and life lines shift.

I find my self is the same place. I am stuck. I have done nothing but say goodbye my whole life. Ever two or three years I am up rooted and forced to say the words that simply leave a bad taste in my mouth. "Good Bye".

It seems to be that these words are a way of saying much more. We sum up years of friendship and love in two words "Good Bye" when our hearts are actually saying something more like:

"I wish with every fiber of my being that I could stay, and with the same amount of physical agony I am going to miss you. I am going to miss you more then anyone will know, even myself. I plan to dedicate hours of crying to slowly burying my pain for my lose and eventually come to understand that nothing can be done about it and I am there for forced to move on and start over. I will never forget you because you have been permanently etched on my soul and a scare, something that will never truly heal."

This is my reality. I have buried many friends in my internal grave yard of Good Byes. There memories marked by images of better times, of laughter and tears. The tears will never be forgotten, no matter how much you try. Those moments of unimaginable pain permanently associated with you loved one.

And once again I see these words in my horizon. I do not fear these words or the addition to my grave yard. I do not fear my pain nor my tears. Over the years i have been conditioned to maintain myself through those moments, and am quit efficient at digging.

No the thing I fear the most is the fact that this is not like the rest, there is no moving on. This burial is not a simple rainy day with black umbrellas. This is not a burial at all. My newest good bye is a promise good bye. A good bye shrouded in hope and the worst pain of them all. This pain does not just come and go as do many of my burials, no. This funeral is not a burial but a freeze frame. I am loosing a loved one but only for a while, only in physical form. And every night when I say good night, I say good bye.